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HIDDEN



"Depression makes you a great actress. The world sees the 'actress', but once you are behind closed doors, the wave of darkness consumes you. You spend all day swimming against depressions unrelenting current...by the time you are in your hiding place you are exhausted and the wave sweeps you away. People ask you how you are and 'the actress script' is spoken...'i'm great!'...but your not. You have faked a smile so much that it actually becomes as natural as breathing...but it is just a mask....more like a snorkel where you keep sucking in salt water and know later you are going to feel ill. You can't keep sucking in your bad feelings and not feel bad....but you know by then you will be in your hidden place. Your dark reality. Once you are in your hidden place, living your hidden life, you become so overtaken by the grief of your dieing happiness. You can't wrap your mind around why you can't just 'will' yourself to be happy....the pit begins to get deeper and deeper... you can't understand why you can't manifest happiness to do the things that always made you feel better. Depression is a shark that continues to bite you in the deep abyss you are in. You don't care to fight, so you don't. And the cycle could have continued, BUT GOD! I realize I am not in the deep abyss by myself, He is with me. The shark of depression may continue circling, but He throws you a line. Will you grab it?


This story is my story....years of my story. I should have won an academy award as I played my role as 'happy girl' for so long. My acting career would have probably continued, but then the pandemic hit. It stripped me down completely....there wasn't much of my acting needed anymore....I was totally engulfed by my hidden place...it was now a 24/7 depression tsunami, and acting could not save me...BUT GOD! I grabbed hold of the line He threw me...grabbing His hand to be lifted to the safety and refuge of His arms.. I had to totally surrender and admit I needed help....this can pose a slight problem when you have been an amazing actress for years....no one believes you are depressed. You get told to 'go watch a funny movie' by your 'then' primary care provider...you ask for medicine because God has shown you there is no shame in that, but you have to fight and fight for help....and when you are depressed, fighting for help is not so easy. People tell you to have faith....what they don't realize is my faith is as strong as steel....that's what kept me going.


I am truly doing great now...no acting! I am on an anti-depressant and have no shame for that. I use a happy light in the fall and winter months. I am closer to God more now than I ever have before and I know myself better than I ever did. Organizing my office and woman cave over the past few days really revealed how bad my depression had gotten...and revealed how long I had been seriously depressed. I was a very organized person in my younger days, but my space was total chaos now. Something amazing happened in my organizing....I could see God in everything and see how He is healing me... when I am weak He is strong.

If my story sounds anything like yours, I want you to know:

You are not alone.

It is okay to take medication....yes, even if you are a Christian...and that does not mean you aren't strong in your faith.

If you have to fight to get help, get a new primary care.

You be are seen.

You are loved.

God's got a lifeboat for you.

You are enough.

You are not crazy.

Your feelings are valid, even if you don't understand why you feel that way.

Cling to the Lord and cling to those you can lean on and will lift you up.

Don't keep your story hidden...there may be someone out there whose life depends on you speaking out. Your story is God's Glory!!

If you have never been majorly depressed, understand that often people who are depressed suffer in silence. They often cover it up...and very well, but there are usually subtle signs...maybe they don't call you as often, maybe they cancel or say no to going places, maybe they aren't participating in activities or hobbies they once loved, maybe they get easily agitated...and there are many other signs I have not listed. Don't give up on your depressed friend or loved one...they need your support, and remember they don't want to be depressed, but healing is a process.

I am praising God for healing!!" 🙌

Coach Suzanne Penn

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Sweet sister we've talked much about this and it's definitely a divine alignment that God wants to speak through us to others suffering in silence, alone and desperately yearning to release the struggle to hold it all together with a Jesus sticker. Your willingness to be vulnerable, authentic and seen in the messiness of living in your earthly body is truly valiant and evident that it's through God's joyful strength. I know this well. Unfortunately, what many Christians don't know is that true strength in our faith takes a willingness to let God and ourselves be present in our reality rather than put on the 'Christian facade' and speak 'Christianese'. Your expression and depiction so aligns with the similar visual…

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Thank you for all your support, encouragement, and friendship! 🤗🤎

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